Helping Women Choose MORE For Themselves
BY MONIQUE DEBOSE
Rubbing my fingertips gently across the scar I’d earned from entering the realm of motherhood via cesarean was something I did often. It reminded me how strong I was. It brought me comfort for some reason. Early morning in late 2016 I noticed it was more tender than I’d remembered. As I drifted back to sleep, my 3 year old son burst through our closed bedroom door and jumped into my bosom, but not before I’d made the mental note to tell my doctor about the tenderness next time I saw her.
“When we’re dealing with cancer…”
That’s all I heard. Everything after those chilling words sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher- garbled mumbling.
The surgical oncologist I’d been referred to was matter of fact in letting me know that he would be putting me on tamoxifen for the rest of my life and ‘hopefully the tumor would not grow any larger’.
Hopefully?!?
I’d been given the diagnosis of a desmoid tumor in my abdominal wall. I knew I was not going to take a pharmaceutical for the rest of my life. It didn’t make sense for me.
I needed a second opinion.
Shelling out the cash to see a different surgical oncologist at a more respected medical center gave me some hope, but when she asked me, ‘Are you done having children?’, I knew whatever she had planned for my body was not something I wanted any part of.
Yes I was done with having children. Two boys with lots of energy was enough, but her asking that question sparked a fire inside- reminding me I had yet another option.
I have a master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology. I support clients on their journey to becoming more sovereign women. I use different methodologies and practices with great results.
I knew I needed to use those same tools on myself.
It was scary for my loved ones who believed I was being foolish by not ‘just doing what the doctor recommended’. It was scary for me to put complete faith in something that wasn’t tangible and ‘acceptable’ to most people.
And- it was one of the most freeing experiences. It included dialoguing with the tumor, asking it what it was here to teach me, listening honestly to what it had to say and implementing its direction. It also included changing the way I ate, diving into ‘outside of the box’ modalities of healing- which even included more conscious sex.
What I learned was that I wasn’t listening to the truth that was desperately attempting to get my attention. I was so caught up in worrying about what people would say about me if I put my voice, my desires and my true self out in the world. I was sure if I did, I would hurt and embarrass the people I loved.
I had so much to say and I’d done everything I could- consciously and unconsciously- to stuff it down so as to not make waves.
The tumor told me all my creative energy had no outlet, so it had formed.
That was devastating. And made me commit to speaking my voice, sharing my perspective and taking up space in the world.
I wrote a show called Mulatto Math: Summing Up the Race Equation in America which won awards and traveled around the world. I wrote a body of music called, You Are the Sovereign One, which debuted at #2 on the iTunes jazz chart behind my idol Ella Fitzgerald. I upleveled my coaching practice because I finally understood, in my bones, the value women get when they spend time with me. And I created a podcast called ‘More with Monique’ to inspire, encourage and support women in having more of what they really want in their lives.
Each of these projects have been healing. For me. And for others.
One of the songs I wrote is called More. It’s a universal message that women around the world resonate with. We often don’t let ourselves speak our truths, or acknowledge our desires. We often take what is given to us by ‘well meaning’ people.
Girls aren’t supposed to be loud.
You’re being too emotional.
You’re the wife…it’s your job to make sacrifices.
Women’s purpose is to make life easier for the men in their lives.
You’re supposed to put aside your dreams, desires when you grow up
Even with the attempts to roll back Roe v. Wade in Texas and other states, the idea that a woman isn’t up to par to make a life altering decision for herself, is at play.
My song More is my anthem and has resonated with women around the world. A global social media campaign ignited with women posting themselves on social media holding signs that declared what they were choosing more of. Women began to get in touch with me to share their ‘more’ stories- their desires and their challenges. The conversations were so revealing and I knew women beyond me would benefit from hearing their stories. I created a podcast series called More with Monique and built a global community online for women to virtually come together to share, support and encourage their ‘more’.
I give thanks everyday for that tumor. It has continued to shrink naturally. I am sure it is because I am willing to be honest with myself and those in my life; because I let my fear, worry and doubt take a backseat as creativity and truth sit at the wheel. I have grown my nervous system to have the hard conversations in my most intimate relationships. And I’ve chosen to honor my desire- what I genuinely want- without shame.
This has made all the difference for me and I know it has changed the lives of the women I work with.
ABOUT MONIQUE DEBOSE
Monique is a mixed race woman who spent most of her life oscillating between two worlds, that of her African American father and her Irish American Mother. She has spent so much of her life doing the internal work to embrace all the parts of herself, to shift from living life in black and white to living life in full color, accepting and loving who she is as a whole and not one or the other. In addition to music, she has channeled these tools and what she has learned about living an authentic life into a rewarding and successful career as a coach. Working with people who have a vision for their life and feel that they more them to give, to find their authentic voice.
DeBose honed her craft as a jazz artist Billy Higgin’s famous World Stage jazz club in Leimert Park, as well as in various jazz bands. She is a trained jazz vocal improviser, and once led a community of over 500 improv singers across the world. In 2005 and 2007, she quietly released two albums – Choose the Experience ( featuring Kamasi Washington) and Choose the Experience 2 – and performed internationally, in India, China, London, and Amsterdam. This idea of “Living Life in Color” is the driving force behind her artistic output. DeBose received rave reviews for her one-woman show “Mulatto Math: Summing up the Race Equation in America” winning the Producer’s Encore Award at the Hollywood Fringe Festival before being transformed into a workshop which she has performed at UCLA and Mind Valley. “Brown Beauty” follows her empowerment anthem “MORE,” and the single "Rally Call," a powerful call to action for those who have been overlooked and disenfranchised to take back their voices and their power. The song has been striking a chord with people all over the world, including the UN who have invited her to perform the song at their SDG Action Zone Conference.
The first single from the album is a song called “Brown Beauty” which was written a love letter to all women of color which has been getting an incredible response from women from around the world (see the movement HERE). As a mixed-race woman, DeBose has spent most of her life living in double consciousness and oscillating between two worlds (black and white). The video features women who have contributed to the ‘Brown Beauty” movement on social media (See more HERE), through posting content that reflects their interpretation of Brown Beauty. Bust Magazine ran a feature on the song and movement calling Monique a "creative looking to transcend the boundaries of what it means to create art and inspire others,” along with the legendary feminist magazine Ms. Magazine who featured the "Brown Beauty" story as part of their Black Feminist In Public Series. Just last month she received news that she is in the Recording Academy's 2021 class and will be contributing to the decisions made for the 2022 Grammy Awards.
In addition to the new music, her podcast MORE with Monique that launched just last month has been getting some wonderful feedback. Each episode features conversations with two women from completely different backgrounds covering a topic of “choosing more…..” faith, courage, purpose, sex, etc. Bonus content from each episode is then shared in the Women Choosing MORE Facebook Group HERE where the conversation is continued with guests and community members.